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Just got Rosa into bed. Only an hour past her bedtime *sigh*

I called [livejournal.com profile] naesa after work. I'm rather impressed with myself for actually doing it, and not giving up after one call but actually calling both numbers. I'm extremely phone-phobic. Glad I did, though...

She called me back as I was turning onto Hampton and I decided to go meet her at her apartment. After going several miles in entirely the wrong direction due to miscommunication about where it was (Manchester, not Mackenzie...), I finally arrived at quarter to eight. Rosa and I met her hedgehog, who was not in a mood to be friendly. He hissed at us, a sound like a small air compressor.

Then the three of us went to Hunan Wok for a late dinner. Rosa was being a bit rambunctious, but Kristy was a good sport about it all. Rosa really liked Kristy's tattoos; she has a pair of tribal wings on her back that Rosa kept calling "a butterfly". I quite liked them too. ;-)

I was kind of stuck in shy and tongue-tied mode most of the evening, but it was very enjoyable and I do hope to hang out with her again before she leaves StL.
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I was looking forward to seeing Christine tonight: she called yesterday to ask me for help with her Palm Pilot (it didn't want to communicate with the PC), and I said I'd come over and look into it. She just called to say that Kirk has fixed the problem, and she's really too busy to just hang out and talk. So I have decided to stay away from the computer tonight until late, and go out shopping and to see Lord of the Rings again. I want to see the Two Towers trailer.

I am going to try to wean myself from Wednesday night gaming permanently. I had so much more time to accomplish things when I was not playing three nights a week. I feel like all my free time (and some that really isn't very free) is going to gaming. While I really love it, I just can't afford to tie myself up so much.
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I've been running up against the Small World Syndrome lately. People I know in one context turning out to know other people I know in another context.

    Just a few examples...
  • [livejournal.com profile] indigobynight invited me to join a local email and social group. The people who run the pagan group that disinvited Rosa and me turn out to be members.

  • Robin and Meredith know Bill, the bassist of "Book of Lies", and have attended the shows. That's the friend of Pam whose band that was playing the night my car went crunch. In fact Robin and Meredith were at the show last Friday that Pam invited me to but I couldn't go.

  • They also mentioned Brad from the STL poly group, whom I know only by email. Can't say the reference was complimentary though.

  • I don't know [livejournal.com profile] chaiya but I feel like I should: we have two entirely disparate mutual friends, [livejournal.com profile] mactavish and [livejournal.com profile] quinnclub.
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Pondering sending emails to "other Fiona" and "cute and femmy daughter of Bleys"...Know who played the latter but not sure who the former was. Must use magic secret decoder ring and try to figure out. V. stupid not to get email addresses when I had the chance.

This was the Ambercon of allusions to the Very Secret Diaries and also of monkeys. Though monkeys only showed up in two of my games, they apparently followed several other players throughout the con. Hm. Are constant allusions to "monkey sex" better or worse than "tastes like salmon"?
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I'm about to call it a day at work. Today was a lot better than yesterday; I feel like I've got some sense of where I'm going with this thing for the moment. Still, it's nowhere near ready for the vice presidents' demo tomorrow. I hope they spend a lot of time on the more finished portions of the applications and just show mine cursorily.

Tonight I have to go collect the Rosa and then I'm going to visit Marina and Drew. I haven't seen them in several weeks, while I've been working like a dervish on the house. Now that I have a brief enforced break I'm taking advantage and visiting people. I hope I can also get some cleaning done in my apartment this weekend.

So I may be home kinda late, if anyone's looking for me. Probably not much later than eleven, since the Rose will be with me.

And speaking of roses, I've decided to get some ink. I've known for a while that I wanted a blooming rose (not a teensy rosebud). With Jen's assistance I finally determined where I want it! It goes on the front of my left hip.

Jen just got a pair of tribal dragon heads on her breasts, covering some old un-special ink. They're spectacular. (Antecedent intentionally left vague.)
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I was going to copy my morning pages into my journal today, because it was mostly taken up with a dream I had this morning, but on reflection I've decided not to. I will comment on one thing about it. There were a number of people I know and have known in real life in this dream: a couple of coworkers, some of my presentday friends, and Britton, a boy on whom I had a longterm crush fifteen years ago.

I haven't even thought about him in quite some time, though I can remember having a dream about a year ago about contacting him. I went so far at that time as to look him up at switchboard.com, and found what might have been his phone number: a listing in San Francisco. The fact that when I knew him he lived in South Carolina doesn't mean that isn't him. He majored in East Asian studies; SC wouldn't be the ideal place for working in that field.

I never did any thing with the number, though. I am so different now from the girl that I was, and it was an unrequited crush anyway, though we were good friends. I think there would be no point in it. If he'd had an email address I might have tried an email, but I won't call. I'm phone-phobic at the best of times anyway: it takes quite a bit of effort just to call people I'm really close to in the present, let alone unrequited old flames of the person I once was.

We met on a teen missions trip to Spain. I can't even imagine myself wanting to do such a thing now, nor them wanting me, either. Britton gets the credit for my love affair with Japanese. I first got interested in it because he was--we spent a lot of evenings in Spain talking about Japanese, oddly enough--but I later came to love it for itself.

Interestingly, in the dream he was much more like me now: I distinctly remember the word "fucking" coming from him. That would not have happened, then.
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What have I done with my reading-free--and Rosa-free--evening?

I went to a decorating store and looked vaguely for wallpaper and decorating fabric that I might want to use in my house. I started thinking about making a canopy for my bed, with fabric hung from the ceiling and wall on curtain rods. The most interesting wallpaper I found was the one my coworker had told me about which was why I went there in the first place: a view out a castle window, with a flying unicorn in the distance.

I bought myself another notebook, this one for non-morning pages scribbling: to take to a coffee house, or just the other side of the apartment where the computer isn't, and write.

I went to House of India and had vegetable korma. It may be my stuffy head, but I think their food's not quite as good as it used to be. On the other hand, the cute waiter is still there, and he still flirts with every woman who comes in the door.

Then I went to see about getting a haircut, but there were no stylists available, so I made an appointment for Wednesday.

I came home and played the piano for about half an hour. I called Christine hoping to go out somewhere, but she wasn't home. Then I tried out my fingerpaints, and finally sat down here and wrote another six or eight paragraphs of La Llorona. I am kind of annoyed with myself because I did some writing on it at work today, but forgot to send the file home, so I now have two files with different pieces of the story, and I'll have to merge them.

This is hard! I keep wandering around the apartment feeling lost because I can't just pick up a book and plop on the couch, I have to think of things to do. Yet I'm still a procrastinator, so the idea of cleaning the apt just doesn't want to happen. I do allow myself to write (and to read my own words, in the process, of course) because I think that is entirely different from getting distracted by other people's words.

Maybe by the end of the week I'll have an easier time of this. I'm hoping so; it's one reason I'm really going to try to stick it out that long. I even sent Paul an email telling him I couldn't game this week!

Tomorrow should hopefully be better: I've got a bunch of errands to run, then Jen and I are going to see Lord of the Rings again (this will be a record. I have never seen any movie more than twice in the theater). After that, I'm tentatively planning to go to the Way Out club with Pam again. This time she is going to drive. I don't want to take my shiny new car to the place where my old one was killed!
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I feel a lot better now. I've had a good evening hanging out with Christine and later talking to Liz. Christine and I drove over to Our Lady of the Snows Shrine and looked at the Christmas lights (today was the last day for this season), and talked about everything. Mostly I talked and she listened, but that's what I needed.
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I finally gave in and sent Pam a two-line "Hi where've you been?" email.
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I've been starting to wonder whether I might have offended Pam with my last email to her, because I said something about being frightened of her friends' interest in Crowleyian magick. It's only been a week--a week which included lots of busyness for nearly everyone. Someone tell me I'm a dork and to just be patient. It took me about a week to respond to her previous letter, after all.
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Called Elissa this evening. It was good to hear her voice again and actually talk to her after the message on my voice mail yesterday.
So Brand thinks the jewel of judgment is his, does he? We'll just have to see about that!
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I haven't said anything today, been too busy living to write about it. ::grin:: Let's see, what did I do today.
I got up to do morning pages, but owing to being awakened at 2:00 by a car alarm that went off in a piercing continuous tone for ten full minutes, and actually getting out of bed to investigate in case it was a fire alarm, I didn't get up right away when the alarm clock went off. I got up at seven, started writing, and Rosa woke up half-way through. So then I had to feed, clothe, and entertain her until Ray arrived at 10:30 to pick her up. I finally wrote the other page and a half then, and it was actually good because I was much more awake and able to concentrate on what I was doing. That's when I found the affirmations.
At 1:00 I left to go meet Marina and Drew and see Lord of the Rings, and thus the subject line. I was on the edge of my chair for three hours--and I've read the books 30 times! Further comments in another post, and I'll hide them in an lj-cut. I'm too tired tonight.
After the movie I hung out at their house for a while, talking about the movie, books, other movies, politics, etc etc. Marina is pregnant and wasn't feeling well, so I mostly talked to Drew. He and I seem to share the same tastes in books and movies (we're always swapping recommendations and lending each other things to read) so I quite enjoy talking to him.
I'll see them again Tuesday for Christmas dinner and presents.
And just for dessert before bed, a little IM conversation with Liz and another with Jay. And dj too. To top off a very good day.

::sigh::

Dec. 20th, 2001 11:32 pm
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No Christmas with Jen, at least not on Christmas Day. Family obligations...That hurts. I want to be her family, or part of it anyway. But we're a secret, and it sucks.
It sucks all the time, but it particularly sucks on holidays, because it's a time that I really want to be with her, and I can't. I know she loves me, I have to believe that, but it's lonely and hard being alone when I want to be with her. I wish she would just tell them that she wanted me to be there, or better yet that she wanted to spend the time with just me, but she doesn't want to rock the boat. And I can't really push her, because I won't tell my family either. My family don't live here, though, and I am not going to visit any of them at Christmas. I can't really afford to. So I'm on my own.
I won't actually be alone on Christmas, I'll go spend it with Marina and have a good time, but I'll still be missing Jen. Marina's family are very welcoming and have always treated me like I belonged, as long as I've known her (10 years now...that's scary).

TANSTAAFL

Dec. 14th, 2001 01:40 pm
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No free lunch today. Next time. But it is always fun to go to lunch with Chris and Jill. We talk about so many interesting things and make silly puns and jokes, besides that they are the only people here at work--other than Jody, who left several months ago--whom I feel comfortable being myself with and am out to. Chris and his wife Becca have even met Jen, at my birthday party last April. I didn't know Jill yet then, so she hasn't met Jen in person, despite having joined our online gaming group and joining right in with the camaraderie among us online.
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So I skipped playing Amber tonight--the GM told me yesterday he was probably going to be unable to run a game anyway--in favor of going to McGurk's Irish Pub for Jody's 35th birthday party. I ate way too much and now I feel sick. Still, it was fun hanging out with a group of geeks-like-me and talking about things like gaming and rockclimbing and, oh, did I mention they're not just geeks they're outdoorsy geeks?

Jody is the one who took me for my first ever kayaking trip this past July on the St Francis River. The "Saint" is normally only runnable between December and April or so, but this summer we had a week's worth of heavy rain in mid-July, so there was just five days or so where the water was up.

We had gone just once to Creve Coeur Lake so he could teach me some basics, and then the river suddenly came up. Of course I said I'd go, and it was absolutely wonderful fun. I was actually pretty good at it, too. Experience at canoeing and whitewater rafting carried over so that I usually knew what I was trying to do (which side of a rock to steer for, that sort of thing), though the difference in paddling meant I didn't always get there.
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I've had a couple disposable cameras hanging around the house for quite a while. I finally took them in to be developed the other day, picked them up yesterday, and looked at them just now. The one goes all the way back to Easter: there are some adorable pictures of Rosa on her first egg hunt. There is also a picture of my beloved Flora-cat lying dead on the floor. She died in April.

And there are pix from my September trips to Boston and Toronto, of Quinn and DevilMuse and Eponine. Miss you guys.
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Spent the day visiting Pam my new friend. She had several other friends and kids over for lunch also, so much of the time was spent chasing kids and listening to the other adults talk. Rosa got a splinter in her finger, had to do emergency splinter removal surgery. It went better than you'd expect; Rosa held still pretty well and we got the whole thing out and over with in about a minute.

Later that evening we finally did get to talk a little, about polyamory and previous marriages and that sort of thing, plus a bit about what roleplaying gaming means to me, and why I enjoy it. It was nice, and friendly, and we seem to get on pretty well. That's good, because I need more local friends.

But I'm a little iffy about some of the people she hangs out with. They're into satanism and Crowley, and that troubles me. She says she's not involved with that, but I got the impression she had been in the past.




Jen seemed curt with me, the last time we talked. Or IM'd, actually. It's so hard to judge someone's mood from IM's, but she didn't say much and also declined to go out this weekend, so I'm in the worried mode again. ::sigh:: I have a hard time knowing when to ask and when to let things go. I know she's been sick...
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Last night I went to a local club to meet Pam, a new online acquaintance, and some of her friends, and listen to some music. It was fun, though we didn't get to talk much with all the noise, and I collected two (count 'em) boys' phone numbers.

We stayed until the place closed at 1:30, then wandered out onto the sidewalk and started to disperse. My new friend took off the other direction to find her car, and I walked toward mine. When I saw it, I screamed, "Oh fuck! That's my car!" (in a very hoarse voice, since I have laryngitis). My parked car had been hit from the rear so hard that it was pushed *underneath* another parked car. The rear end was crushed and the hood was crumpled as well.

Some of Pam's friends were still standing around and came over to see what was going on. (Heh, the same boys who had given me their numbers ;-) ) After talking to the police and some witnesses, I got some idea of what had happened. The car that hit me had apparently been parked behind mine. In trying to get back into the street, he drove it *very hard* straight into the back of mine, and then jumped out, abandoned his car and went running down the street.

I called AAA for a tow, as there was no way that my car was being driven anywhere. Both boys stuck around until the tow truck came, we made all the arrangements, and then one of them volunteered to take me home. My car was left at the service station for the insurance adjuster to come look at, but I believe my beautiful baby Saturn SC2 is no more.

I finally got home around 3:30 this morning, called my boss and told him I wouldn't be in to work today--due to no transportation and sheer exhaustion--and then fell into bed, where I did not get to sleep for quite a while longer. I had uncontrollable shivers for some reason. Now, admittedly it *was* cold outside, and I'd been standing on the sidewalk for over an hour wearing sandals, but somehow I don't think it was just cold that had me shivering.

Anyway I got up this morning at 11:30, called the insurance and reported a claim (and just for extra amusement value it's still the joint policy with my ex-husband, even though my divorce became final two weeks ago and I just talked to an insurance agent yesterday to get a policy of my own starting from the expiration date of this one--12/1/01). Sometime today I have to either find a car to borrow or arrange for a rental.

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