semperfiona: (demon baby)
Today's oldest trick-or-treater: about 40. In costume (great kilt, broadsword, boots) and with his toddler kids
Cutest: toddler-in-arms dressed as a bunny. "Are you a fierce bunny?" She shyly hid her face away. But when she and her grownup got back to the sidewalk, we heard her roar.
Runner-up: Little girl dressed as Piglet. Little brother lion behind her...holding Piglet's head.

After handing out the candy to the little monsters, [ profile] ohari and I needed to get ready quickly to go to Jen's party. I was having a hard time thinking of a costume, but I said, "I've been considering piracy." Went upstairs, and ransacked the closet. First I got out a pair of burgundy corduroy pajama pants & put them on. Need stripy socks. Well, I'm already wearing stripy socks. They happen to be rainbow. Tie my pant legs up with random scarves from my vast collection. Steal a kilt shirt from Chris. Suede vest. Rainbow inkle belt from the three I made a few years ago. Pink-and-skulls do-rag.

I'm swishbuckling!
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I talked with Jen late last night over IM and began to feel better about things. I still hate that life comes between us, but she's a mom too, and I know that her son has to come first. In the end it turned out to have been for the best, anyway, because Rosa insisted on sleeping with me, and she was very restless. Still feverish, waking up every half hour or so to ask for water, or to be covered or uncovered, or for hugs...I did not sleep at all well, and was very tired this morning when Jen came over. She didn't have a very good night either, only getting Phaelen to sleep at 3 am.

Rosa was being clingy and difficult even in the morning, until the Motrin finally began to take effect and she let Jen watch her while I took a shower. Then we each changed into the clothes we were going to wear to the Ren Faire: she wore a chemise and overskirts with a leather corset, and I wore the new leather bodice and skirt I bought the other day, with fishnet thigh-highs and boots. Totally non-period, but a hella lot of fun all the same. I discovered an unexpected talent for lacing corsets.

When Ray arrived to collect Rosa for his day with her, I answered the door dressed as described. He was rather taken aback, to make a drastic understatement, but recovered and said "You look like you're going out." Well, duh. Then he saw Jen, and said to her, "You guys look fabulous. Especially her," slapping me on the back in a rather superior way. It felt like a claim of ownership, and I gritted my teeth so as not to bite his head off. They told each other how nice it was to see each other again, and after he left with Rosa Jen and I laughed for quite a while at the patent untruth of that statement.

And off to the Ren Faire. The day started drizzly, and just got wetter. We wandered around the grounds several times, checked all the vendor stalls, greeted some people and vendors she accosted by a 15th century lady who wanted to know how I got into the leather. I said, "with a zipper" and then was struck speechless because she wanted to know what a zipper was and how it worked. Oops. Jen teased me about that for quite a while.

We were followed around by a lot of eyes. "You're going the wrong way." We ran into those two guys several times during the day. Another who said I was just the right size: with my boots on we were exactly of a height. A vendor who told me he thought I'd be interested in the other thing he sells, but wouldn't say it out loud. "Latex," he whispered, and we got into a conversation about latex and fetish nights and so on. He thought I should wear something called the goddess dress: long sleeves, full circle skirt, and a V neckline. Four hundred dollars. Ouch.

Eventually we ran into Jill, who now has to believe in Jen's existence and can't call her a figment of my imagination anymore. But they'll come up with something else to tease me about, of that I have no doubt.

Jousting was called off on account of mud, but the knights were mud-wrestling, which was greatly amusing to watch. After that, though, Jen had to get home for family time (Mother's Day and all that) and we were both quite thoroughly wet, so we took off. She told me to take a nap--a good idea, that--and I curled up on the couch, not to wake for a good two hours.
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*sigh* I feel like I've been hit in the gut. I took Rosa out for ice cream. When I got back, there was the message on my voice mail. Why does it have to be so hard? Will we *ever* get to spend nights together? I was so sure this time it would happen for real. I let myself believe in it. I refused to listen to that voice that said "something will come up, something always comes up." And now that something did, I'm crying my eyes out.
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I just saw Kissing Jessica Stein with Jen. It was cute and sweet and funny. We really enjoyed it. And we had another of our wonderful laughter-filled conversations about nothing in particular, in which she also managed to give me lots of compliments and tell me why I'm special to her. That always makes me happy and cheerful.


Mar. 2nd, 2002 09:15 pm
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I bought myself a bouquet of purple roses today from Sam's. Two dozen, in fact. If I had more vases I could have them all over the house. But I put them all in a pitcher on the table in the dining room, and they smell wonderful. I ate homemade spaghetti for dinner to the aroma of roses.

I'm wondering, though, what Ray will say tomorrow when he comes to pick up Rosa (who is still asleep on the sofa--I ought to take her up to bed). I bought flowers once before, and he gave me a long lecture about not rubbing it in his face when I get gifts from my lovers. It rather deflated him when I said simply, "I bought them myself." Not that having flowers on the table is rubbing anything in anyone's face, but that's Ray for you. Anyway, I'm half tempted, if he lectures me again, to tell him they're from my girlfriend. Though it would probably just gain me another lecture about keeping my evil wicked bisexuality away from Rosa.

Heh. I just wonder when she'll start telling him things. When Jen was over the other night Rosa announced to all of us (Jen, Phaelen and me) "You have your hand in her shirt!" We all cracked up, of course. But Ray would be horrified.
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Mmm, what a nice conversation with Jen.
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I'm about to call it a day at work. Today was a lot better than yesterday; I feel like I've got some sense of where I'm going with this thing for the moment. Still, it's nowhere near ready for the vice presidents' demo tomorrow. I hope they spend a lot of time on the more finished portions of the applications and just show mine cursorily.

Tonight I have to go collect the Rosa and then I'm going to visit Marina and Drew. I haven't seen them in several weeks, while I've been working like a dervish on the house. Now that I have a brief enforced break I'm taking advantage and visiting people. I hope I can also get some cleaning done in my apartment this weekend.

So I may be home kinda late, if anyone's looking for me. Probably not much later than eleven, since the Rose will be with me.

And speaking of roses, I've decided to get some ink. I've known for a while that I wanted a blooming rose (not a teensy rosebud). With Jen's assistance I finally determined where I want it! It goes on the front of my left hip.

Jen just got a pair of tribal dragon heads on her breasts, covering some old un-special ink. They're spectacular. (Antecedent intentionally left vague.)
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One other good quote I just wrote in a card for Jen. The card says: "Men are like parking spaces. The good ones are either too small or already taken." For some reason we've been joking about small penises lately: the last man she went out with had a really tiny one. Anyway I added this quote to the card: "If brevity is the soul of wit, your penis must be a riot."


Feb. 4th, 2002 12:59 am
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Not that I really care a whole lot, but I'm feeling awfully alone here...Why is it that my friends list seems to be jam-packed with Bostonians? ;-)

The only real effect the result is going to have on my life is that I don't get to dress down for work tomorrow (today). I neither watched nor listened to the game, though I did check on the results just so I'd know what to wear.

What I did today instead, was work on my housepainting with Jen and then I took her out to dinner. Her first time having Indian food. She liked it, which is a good thing, because I'm addicted. I probably go to an Indian restaurant at least twice a month.
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I frustrated myself badly this morning because I was expecting Ray to come for Rosa since 9:30. He arrived at 10:20. His normal time, after attending 9 am mass. If I'd known, or remembered, I'd have done things differently this morning: Rosa wanted to go outside and play, and I kept refusing, thinking there wasn't time. In the end, we did go outside, just before Ray arrived, but we could have gone all the way to play at the playground and been back, if I'd been thinking straight.

And my glasses broke for good. One of the lenses has popped out repeatedly, but today the screw pulled apart and the frame is bent. I have to buy new glasses ::sigh:: even though I wear contacts much of the time, I can't live without a pair of glasses as a backup, or to use when my eyes are tired.

In a short while I've got to go over and do some more work on my house. Jen is going to come and help me; I'm not sure yet what we'll do, but it will be wonderful to have company--and just to see her: it's been several weeks since we've been able to get together.

Ray's goofy. He asked me if I was upset about something, told me off for being grumpy when he was in a good mood. But other than the surface frustration, I'm in a spectacularly good mood. Not quite as bouncy as I was last night, but all the same, very happy. It feels good, glowy and floaty and smiley.
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Someone told me tonight at the company Christmas party (yes, I know it's not even close to Christmas anymore, and they technically called it a holiday party, but it was the Christmas party all the same) that I look like Nicole Kidman.

I am the queen of parenthetical comments. I usually edit them out altogether, or at least move them to another location, but sometime I'd like to write something that leaves all the stream of consciousness parenthetical ideas in place. I think it would work beautifully in hypertext, linking all the pieces of thoughts together so that they can be followed forward and backwards.

From my lovely and beloved Jen:
The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision.--Lynn Lavner - as published in PFLAG
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Jen had a doctor's appointment this morning for further tests, prior to the surgery that she needs. She was all ready to get it done, had the insurance in order and everything, and then the doctor decided that she should have more tests first. We're both getting sick of waiting; she's been suffering endless cramping that no one should have to tolerate.

The nurse at the doctor's office has quite an attitude, too. Jen called hoping to move her appointment up: it had been for today at 3:00, and she was told, "We can get you in at 2:30"! Then a couple days later they called to tell her that the doctor had a meeting or something this afternoon, and could they reschedule for a month from now! In the end she got 10:00 am, and I hope she was actually seen.

I feel a little badly because I promised myself I'd think good thoughts for her during the appointment, and then missed it entirely. But I'm thinking of her now, with love and well-wishes.
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Cheated a bit on the reading thing. I've read email too many times, but then, I've been hoping and expecting a particular message. I was supposed to go out to the club with Pam tonight, but she didn't write, and she hasn't called, so I keep checking in case she did write. I thought of calling her, but I called her last time. It's her turn to call me!

What I have not done, though, is pick up a book and immerse myself in it, which is my normal behavior for a Saturday. Last night I made a list of all the things I could do if I'm not reading, and was surprised to find how quickly it reached two pages long. I think I may need to do this more often: perhaps every other Saturday or something.

What else I did today?

I had a really long dream this morning. It took me two pages to write down even the scraps of it that I could remember. One of the most memorable scenes was me introducing Ray to "this is my girlfriend, this is my other girlfriend, this is my boyfriend and this is my other boyfriend." And another was a young round-faced nun in pink, wearing a sheer black veil in mourning of Christ's death. Overall it was such a good dream that I did not want to wake up and lose it. I kept trying to go back to sleep to get back to that world.

I tried to get license plates for my new car, but the license office no longer has Saturday hours.

I collected the books that the library had on reserve for me. But I didn't open them!

I washed the dishes.

I called Jen and talked to her for about half an hour, learned that she had fallen down the stairs last night and couldn't go out.

I picked up some clutter from the living room floor.

So I went to see Lord of the Rings alone. I am so in love with Legolas. And I rather like Aragorn too. Being poly means you don't have to choose...right?

I came home, thinking Pam might have left a message, but there was nothing. So I did my nails. I put falsies on for the first time in years, and I'm not really very happy with them. They didn't fit very well, so my real nails show underneath, and it's awkward to type. But I'll leave them on for a few days anyway.

Then I called Kirk and talked to him for about an hour. That was really good. I think it had been nearly a year since we'd talked. I visited him last February, and I can't remember a conversation after that. It's amazing, though, our friendship is strong enough after all this time and all the things that have happened, that we can just pick up where we left off and be really open with each other about things in our lives.


Jan. 7th, 2002 10:06 pm
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I don't know what to think. Jen's in a very bad mood, I know that. But instead of letting me love her, she tells me that I've never known her in the kind of bad mood she thinks she's heading for, and that she doesn't want to put me through dealing with her like that. All I can say to her is "I love you", and it doesn't help. I know what I mean, and I mean thick or thin, but she doesn't seem to accept that.
When it comes to the hard parts she pushes me away so she can suffer alone. That's not what I want. I want to be there for her, to be the one she calls on. And she doesn't let me.
I really ought to post this publicly, so she could read it if she wants to. But I'm afraid to. Afraid of making things worse. Afraid that while this might otherwise blow over after a few days or weeks, as things usually do, that this time it's permanent.

Update 1-8-02: I changed my mind and made this public, after the first three comments were posted. I did not edit or change any of the preceding, though my emotions have settled down a good deal since I wrote it originally. I'm trying to be more open about myself and my feelings, and this journal is a big part of that process. Jen, my love, if you do read this, I'm just writing my own feelings. I'm not subtly trying to ask you for anything. I trust you and I trust our relationship. I will be here.
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::grumble sigh:: Amber Cold War was cancelled tonight due to Paul's DSL failure. Only in the strange new world of the internet could 12 inches of snow in North Carolina ruin my fun here in St. Louis. And why couldn't the gods send some of that snow here, where I wanted it? I miss snow...heard today that in all of 2001 St. Louis received 2.5 inches of snow. This surprised me, because we had quite a bit last winter, until I remembered that all 15 inches of it fell in early- to mid-December 2000.

Jen needed the game even worse than I do. They're making her go in for more tests instead of doing the surgery she needs.
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  • Today I was changing Rosa's diaper, and she farted. She then announced, "I make a burp in the butt!"

  • Rosa and Phaelen are so cute. He chases her around the room and she plays hard-to-get. When we were leaving he told Jen he wanted us to stay "Forever and ever and ever."

  • Rosa got Ten Little Ladybugs for Christmas. She loves it. I think I read it to her six times today, along with a few extra "Push ladybugs?" requests as well. (It has little plastic raised ladybugs on each page.)

  • There's nothing so cuddly as napping with a baby asleep in your arms.

  • I'm thinking of starting an LJ for her. Pictures, accomplishments, funny sayings, events of the day. I can't decide whether to put those things in here or separate it out.


Dec. 27th, 2001 08:42 pm
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I signed all the papers to finance the house in my own name, and Ray signed a quitclaim deed. It's all mine, now! He tried to throw a fit because the amount that is going to be disbursed from the loan is slightly less than 1/2 the equity in the house. I told him I did that so that I could save a little on the interest, and I would give him a check for the balance. He just kept fussing at me, until I wrote him said check. That shut him up.
After the paperwork was done, I went to see Lord of the Rings again, and as I had hoped, I was able to concentrate more on the movie for itself and less on the differences or correspondences with the novel. I went with my lovely Jen, for what was also her second viewing, and we held hands for the whole three hours. (All in chorus now, "Awwww!") My instant reaction to this viewing: "My what a lot of beautiful men!" complete with a wistful look.
Jen is so much fun to be around. We laugh and giggle over all kinds of things, and make up absurdly funny things for our characters to do that never actually happen in game. I do wish we had more time together, or that she would take me seriously when I suggest she move in with me. I don't quite know why but she evades the issue. On the way home I considered just asking for an effort toward one day a week.


Dec. 20th, 2001 11:32 pm
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No Christmas with Jen, at least not on Christmas Day. Family obligations...That hurts. I want to be her family, or part of it anyway. But we're a secret, and it sucks.
It sucks all the time, but it particularly sucks on holidays, because it's a time that I really want to be with her, and I can't. I know she loves me, I have to believe that, but it's lonely and hard being alone when I want to be with her. I wish she would just tell them that she wanted me to be there, or better yet that she wanted to spend the time with just me, but she doesn't want to rock the boat. And I can't really push her, because I won't tell my family either. My family don't live here, though, and I am not going to visit any of them at Christmas. I can't really afford to. So I'm on my own.
I won't actually be alone on Christmas, I'll go spend it with Marina and have a good time, but I'll still be missing Jen. Marina's family are very welcoming and have always treated me like I belonged, as long as I've known her (10 years now...that's scary).
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She just sent me an e-card from International Wenches Guild with a title of "Sometimes love gets a little dirty" and she added "Matches our minds. Had to send this one when I saw the message."

I love you, Jen!
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Ray just called for our weekly "talk". Among other topics, he just had to say this to me: "We're both probably going to start dating soon. We need to be discreet around Rosa." If he had left it at that, it wouldn't have been too horrible. But then he went on to explain in detail what he meant. "I'm not going to bring people around her for a long time because I don't want her getting used to them and then them suddenly disappear. I don't want you to sleep with people when she's around. You're her role model..." Yadayadayada. I just kept telling him we don't have these weekly conversations so he can lecture me, and that he should stop. He kept saying he's just raising concerns and he'll continue to do so.

But what he's really doing is impugning my sense of morals and my ability to parent my daughter. He thinks that because my morals are different from his--and he has never been able to understand what they are, either--that I have none. He imagines some complicated set of scenarios and then accuses me of the behaviors, without any knowledge whatsoever of the reality.

I almost wish he'd just call me a slut and be done with it, but no, he has to hide it in "concerns about Rosa". He has some idea I've got dozens of people traipsing in and out of my bed. As if. There's Jen, and we don't even sleep together. In the last year there have been all but two others.

He has never known about my relationship with Jen. Maybe someday he'll figure it out, but the fact that we started dating before he and I broke up necessitates some obfuscation. However, Jen and Phaelen both love Rosa very much. It's been since before Rosa was born...she's always known "Auntie Jen". In fact Rosa persists in identifying Jen's picture as "Mommy"--and Phaelen does the same for me, sometimes. I hope someday soon we can all four live together. That's my dream.


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