semperfiona: (maple)
I've been doing pretty well this last week. It surprises me somewhat, but other than the first couple of days even the emotional volatility has settled down and I'm mostly content.

***

I went to Dance Journey last night with Tammie and Jasmine and had the most energy-perceptive experience I think I've ever had. Jasmine was substitute teaching and she had us concentrate on our Center and our Circumference, feeling the core and the edges of ourselves, reaching out beyond our skin to the rest of the room and even outside. I really felt my center as a ball of blue-white lightning, and when reaching out to the circumference could also feel the brushing touches of the auras of the other people in the room and the grass and breeze outside. Tammie and I both agreed on the aura-colors of everyone else, which surprised me a lot. It was very freeing for me to be "big" in the world, to be expansive and take up energy-space.

I think this is a thing I need to practice more: feeling my surroundings and connections to the others nearby and being as big as I want to be, without losing my core. In contrast, Tammie felt almost the opposite: she spends too much time being sensitive to the others around her and needs to build energy walls and shields around her core.

***

Emma told Chris last night that she and Joe are moving back to Chicago; he's got a job offer with the company his father works for. Chris is disappointed and we will miss her, but it sounds like a far better situation for a baby to come into: the new job will pay $18-19/hr which is almost certainly a huge increase on what he makes at Sonic. And it definitely means they aren't expecting any of us to step in for child care or day-to-day support, which was one of my big fears about the situation. On the other hand, it means Emma's mom gets more involved in her daily life again, which may lead to re-estrangement between Chris and Emma.

***

My longest podfic to date was published on Sunday! Nearly four hours, recorded and edited in several sessions through July and August, and I'm really pleased with it. http://hd-fan-fair.livejournal.com/106541.html

Author's original Summary: Auror Potter and Unspeakable Malfoy team up to investigate a series of missing persons, and it soon becomes apparent that Dementors are involved. Despite their initial misgivings, Harry and Draco find that they need each other's help, in more ways than one.

Rated: G (yes, really!)

I'm looking for The Next Thing to record. I'd kind of like it to be smutty smexy femslash, if someone has a recommendation. I'm open to any fandom that I have any knowledge of (or can get a base level of knowledge quickly), and I tend to prefer approx 10K in length. That comes out to about an hour at my reading rate, which I can usually do in one sitting, and then go back and edit in another. Not to say that I wouldn't do another long one, or a super short one for that matter.
semperfiona: (maple)
It's been a rough summer. I know I said that recently, but what is hopefully the last wallop from my summer of hell arrived this week. Alicia and I have broken up. Not unexpected, not the wrong thing for us, but still hurts like bloody hell.

We intend to remain friends in the long term but for now are taking a break from watching each other's LJ and FB posts and from communication in general. My own plan is to revisit that choice sometime in the new year and see whether I'm ready to reconnect with her. I would ask that those of you who know both of us please don't feel you need to take sides, and please don't share information about her with me. Yes, those pronouns are in the right order. I'm trying to protect my aching heart, and hearing what she's up to will hurt for a while. When I'm ready, I will ask her myself.

Support and love are welcome, but I am turning off comments on this post because I do not want a public conversation about this.
semperfiona: (joy)
So much happy the past couple of weeks. Impossible, unbelievable, and ALL TRUE.

Researching airline tickets. Holiday season not really the most ideal time for travel, but I will vanquish the calendar!

***

No further comment has been made by my parents on our living situation or anything else from last weekend, which is more or less as expected.

***

Meanwhile, I'm still working out like a crazed ferret (Y HALO THAR Draco), planning to do the sprint triathlon in the spring. Swimming and biking have always been the easy parts for me, but I'm finding I can in fact run, also. Never could before--maybe I just never had the motivation (wherever it's come from this time, I'll never know)--but I managed a ten-minute-mile average over 3.1 miles last night. Well, just a teensy bit slower than that: 31:31.
semperfiona: (work motto)
I don't know if I can do this justice. But it so neatly exemplifies the kinds of casually-espoused attitudes that make me crazy working here.

One of the young guys in our department, Mike, is getting married later this month or next. As he used to be on my team, Terry and Randy decided to take him golfing yesterday afternoon as kind of a "bachelor party." Okay, that's kinda cool, if you like golf.

Mike didn't show. Quote, his fiancee wouldn't let him, unquote. Whereupon he undergoes a lot of ribbing about being whipped, etc etc. It turns out, she was upset because he had refused to take time off to go babysit some of her nephews last week, and she didn't like him taking time off to play golf when he wouldn't do it for something she wanted.

I don't much like the revenge-taking that that sounds like, but it seems to me that it would have been best to do both things, rather than neither.

What really got my goat, though, was Art telling Mike that his problem was that he hadn't got her "trained". Yes, that exact word. Still, I kept my head down and my nose in my computer, as I usually do when conversations I want nothing to do with are happening around me. (Yesterday, re the election, for example.)

However, this time I didn't get away with pretending I wasn't here. Terry said, "Let's get a woman's perspective...did you hear all that."

I said, "Enough, yeah."

So then I said I thought they were both in the wrong, that it was a matter of give and take, and remarked that the one I really felt was wrong was Art. "I believe in equality. And in any case I'm glad I'm not married to Art."

Art defended himself by pointing out that *he's* been married 40 years, and I'm divorced.
semperfiona: A pile of conversation hearts (love hearts)
1. Leave me a casual comment of no particular significance, like a lyric to your current favorite song, your favorite kind of sandwich, or maybe your favorite game. Any remark, meaningless or not.
2. I will respond by asking you five personal questions so I can get to know you better.
3. Update your LJ with the answers to the questions.
4. Include this explanation and offer to ask someone else in your own post.
5. When others respond with a desultory comment, you will ask them five questions.
---------------------------------------
Questions from beauty_moves )
semperfiona: (kiss)
I just gotta rave about what a wonderful girlfriend [livejournal.com profile] lavendargrrl is!

Last night, Chris and I went to the baseball game. I'd left for work with neither socks nor a coat, and he didn't have a coat either. There was a coat here, so I wore that, but she scootered out to the MetroLink parking lot to bring us Chris's jacket and a pair of socks for me.

And when she showed up, she had *also* brought us a piping hot thermos of hot chocolate--which I managed to get into the ballpark with--that kept us nice and toasty through the four innings of pathetic baseball that we stayed for.

Love love love love love.
semperfiona: (Default)
#1

Dear Self:

Campbell's Soup in Hand New England Clam Chowder tastes mostly like
cream of mushroom except chewier. It's not worth the effort. More to the
point, it's a great disappointment for a clam chowder fan. Don't buy it
again.

Signed,
Me
#2
Dear Self: Remember, they're in California for gods' sake, it's not that
late there yet, and she's been in the habit of calling around 4:30 cst.
Calm down.

Signed,
Impatient Me
semperfiona: (Default)
I'm fidgety, very fidgety. Flight is Thursday morning, and still no tickets. I know they're supposedly Fedexing them and they can still arrive tomorrow without a problem, but it would relieve me very much to have them today. That no longer seems likely.
semperfiona: (Default)
Is there a word for nostalgia for something you never really had? Something that might have, could have, even should have been, but never was?

I got home tonight to find a card from Kirk in my mailbox.
semperfiona: (Default)
Building a relationship is like building a bridge. Sometimes the end result is not the same as you envisioned: a highway overpass where you dreamed of a New England covered bridge, a pedestrian footbridge where you wanted the Golden Gate. But whatever happens to the bridge in the end, the landscape is permanently changed by its construction, and even if it is washed out by flood there are likely to be broken beams and spars still standing.

Senior year

Feb. 7th, 2002 11:12 pm
semperfiona: (Default)
When I was a senior at Indiana University, the university had free computer accounts for students, with an internal bulletin board systerm called the Forum, where students could start topics and discussions. I spent hours on that, and then VAXphone (it was like a cross between AIM and chat: it worked with up to 5 people at a time) with people I had met there, and eventually meeting the people in person. It was at that time that I began using "semper, fiona" as my signoff phrase, and Fiona of Amber began to be my alter-ego/role-model.

Two of the first people I came to know were Lore and her friend Deb. I spent a lot of time with them in the beginning of that year. Lore talked about her boyfriend, Kirk, but I had never met or talked to him. Then one day I was on VAXphone with Lore, when Kirk logged on and she invited him into the conversation. When we happened to glance aside from the computers we were using in the lab, and noticed exactly the same thing on each other's screens, we realized we were sitting next to each other. That is how I met Kirk. It wasn't long after that that we became fast friends. We started going to the free movie premieres at the student union, sometimes with other VAXfriends, or just the three of us.

One night (the movie was "Look Who's Talking"), Kirk got out a deck of cards while we waited in line, and we bemoaned the lack of a fourth for euchre. At that, the boy seated in front of us in line turned and said he'd play; he became my partner. That was Jim. We played euchre until the movie started. Afterwards, a large group of us including Jim and his roommate, Kirk and Lore and some other friends, went back to Kirk's dorm and played cards and talked some more. Before the night was over, we had decided to make a trip to Brown County State Park that weekend to see the fall colors.

Jim collected everyone's phone numbers "to make the arrangements", and I don't know how I knew it, but I knew he did that just so he could get mine. Sure enough, two days later he asked me out, commenting that he'd wanted to call right away but waited because that was what you're "supposed to do". Odd thing: I still remember what I was wearing that night. In fact, I still have it (not for sentimental reasons, I still have most of the clothes I owned then). It was a pink sweater my parents had given me. I remember one other thing distinctly. Jim bet a dollar that no one would guess his middle name, given that his initial was C. Many guesses were made, but before too long I guessed it. Cecil. He paid me four quarters. I dated Jim all that year. We had a tumultous relationship, but he was my first real lover and I held on for dear life even after it was clearly falling apart.

I'd had sex for the first time with someone else (a man named Matt, six or eight years older than me) shortly before, but only once, somewhat under the influence of alcohol, and didn't make a relationship out of it. In fact I avoided him as much as possible given that we had two classes in common, especially after I'd met Jim. I didn't really like him, he gave me the willies a little bit. But he liked me a great deal--too much, in fact: he'd liked me since freshman year and after my junior year away he still remembered me. I remember him telling me once "I'd know that walk anywhere."

I felt almost stalked, but I didn't quite recognize it. I don't know why I ever slept with him, other than that I was somewhat drunk and also tired of being a 21-year-old virgin. I remember thinking that. "Finally, that's done with." I pointed him out to Lore once. Her comment was, "He's evil." And I hadn't told her anything about him at all.

It took me a lot of years after that to start finding redhaired men attractive again. Britton had been a redhead, and I had always liked red hair on men, but afte Matt that attraction switched off for a long time.
semperfiona: (Default)
It really bugs me when multiple people write as a unit. "We are a bisexual couple...blah blah blah," as just landed in my inbox from one of my mailing lists. It wasn't a personal ad exactly, but still contained far too many lines like "we enjoy bowling and hiking" for a simple response to the topic of the thread.

Somehow this habit seems to be quite common among "couples looking for a third". I don't think I could ever be that third, not like that. I may be a hot bi babe, but I don't want to date couples, especially not couples so joined at the hip that they speak for each other. How does anyone get in? It'd be like inserting a knife between the stones of Macchu Picchu. Rarely successful, and not very healthy for the knife.

I want to get to know individuals. If they happen to know and love each other also, well, all the better. But my relationships need to be with individuals not groups. ("I think", and "so far", and all the other caveats that must be applied for someone still new to the practice of polyamory.)

And it may be my own fanatical private or independent streak, but I can not get my mind around the concept of two people sharing one email address. My own parents do that. Yet even they wouldn't open each other's private snailmail, though they almost always show it to each other afterwards.

If I want someone to read something that was sent to me, I'll either forward it or call them to read over my shoulder. But the default is always, it's mine mine mine. I share only as I choose. The idea that all my mail might be read by someone else at any time, like if I shared my address with someone, makes me shudder convulsively.

Email

Feb. 5th, 2002 11:37 am
semperfiona: (Default)
I read an article in the "USA Today" this morning (it lives in the company lunchroom, or I'd never read it) which claimed that email can destroy relationships, due to people's misinterpretations, and gave several anecdotal examples.

I find that my experience is exactly the opposite. Email builds relationships. But then, I live in a world of text, so perhaps I'm different from the subjects of the article. Still, it was correct in at least one regard: I do know that I need to get out of the text world and connect via telephone and in-person as well.

The more avenues of connection I can have with someone, the better. Email, chat, telephone, face-to-face...it all adds up to relationship-building and time spent together.

But email can be wonderful and happy-making: there's nothing quite like the pleasure of seeing a beloved name in the inbox (unless it be finding a paper letter in my mailbox--which is another order of pleasure altogether), and the thought that can go into it means that for me it is often a good venue for difficult conversations, as well.

Two quotes

Jan. 24th, 2002 09:43 am
semperfiona: (Default)
All companionship can consist only in the strengthening of two neighboring solitudes, whereas everything that one is wont to call giving oneself is by nature harmful to companionship: for when a person abandons himself, he is no longer anything, and when two people both give themselves up in order to come close to each other, there is no longer any ground beneath them and their being together is a continual falling. --Rainer Maria Rilke

Become the sky.
Take an axe to the prison wall.
Escape.
Walk out like someone suddenly born into color.
Do it now. --Rumi


These two quotes showed up on wombat recently. The first one strikes home because it reminds me of something I tried many times to explain to Ray: he had been fond of telling me (when our life together was better) that I was his everything. When he was trying to keep me from my friends and other activities, he told me that he should be everything to me: "That's what marriage is about."

Being anyone's everything is far too much responsibility for me, and I tried to explain that. He never understood. I don't even want to be Rosa's everything, though dependence in a child is much more understandable and even necessary. That is what makes the parent-child love relationship different from the relationship and love of two adults.

After our breakup, he told me that Rosa is his everything now. That frightened me: if it's too much weight for me, how can a baby be expected to shoulder such a thing? I fear that he will expect far more from her than she is able to give. As for me, I believe that a happy, contented parent, satisfied with her life, will be much better for her in the long run. It is best for both of us if I am complete in myself.
semperfiona: (Default)
It's really difficult to find Valentine's Day cards that I can feel comfortable giving to people. As a poly person, I don't feel right about sending a card that says "You're the only one I'll ever love", or "I didn't know what love was until I met you," or other such monogamous sentiments. And Hallmark isn't particularly helpful for non-heterosexuals, either. Almost all the cards were either addressed specifically to a man from a woman, or to a woman from a man. Many of the ones that had text that felt okay had pictures of a male-female couple. I don't want to send that to my girlfriend!

I know there are online card stores that have e-cards for alternative relationships, but I want to send a physical object that someone can keep on their desk and smile at!

I did eventually find some things that will work. They're not entirely ideal, but I think the point will get across.

Resolution

Jan. 1st, 2002 09:36 pm
semperfiona: (Default)
I'm really not making any resolutions this year, but I suppose the one thing I would like to accomplish this year is "resolution". I've been thinking about this for a couple of days now.
I want to make a point of resolving some relationships I have that are in a state of uncertainty: to find a comfortable place for us. This means I will have to strive to communicate better, not to bottle up my feelings until it's too late, and also be willing to accept the answers I'm given. That may be very hard in some cases. But the uncertainty is also hard.
Funny. In some ways the exciting thing about NRE is exactly that. But NRE is a different order of uncertainty: an openness to potential and possibility. What I'm thinking of is a feeling that the possibilities are closing without my knowledge, that my hopes are unfounded. And yet they may not be, so I cannot give them up entirely. I'm left not knowing whether to push or back off, whether to dream or to grieve. I'm walking in fog in these particular cases.
And even so, there's not a lot I feel I can do, but I need to take the risk, make my own feelings clear and ask the questions that have been haunting me for a long time. That is my resolution for 2002.
semperfiona: (Default)
I'm not really in the sort of mood that this song expresses, but it's one of my favorites and has meant a lot to me at times in the past when I've been struggling with a relationship. It came up in conversation with [livejournal.com profile] neeuqdrazil earlier, so I thought I'd post the words.

Billy Joel's _And So It Goes_ )

Boundaries

Dec. 14th, 2001 09:41 am
semperfiona: (Default)
I've just been talking at length to a coworker. She often comes to me for advice on her relationships. I'm not quite sure why--I'm not out at work as either bi or poly, and she is apparently straight and monogamous. I guess she thinks I have good ideas, though they don't always seem to work out in practice, and she knows I won't make fun of her or repeat her confidences. I don't think writing here is a problem; none of our mutual acquaintances know of this journal (nor will they).

Today she was concerned because her new prospective boyfriend asked her if she'd be willing to be with another woman and him. I told her that though there was nothing wrong with the request, she needed to decide where her boundaries are and stick to them, and that he needed to respect them and not push her to do things she's uncomfortable with. My main point was that mutual respect for each other and each other's boundaries is essential to a good relationship, and that if she doesn't feel that they have that, she should get out now before becoming emotionally entangled.

I did say that sometimes boundaries move, but it has to be from inside, not under pressure from outside; pressure from outside that damages boundaries is a violation similar in some ways to rape or other assault. Offering an opportunity is fine, emotional manipulation is not. There is a fine line there, of course, especially for the person with the wider boundaries. How many times can you make an offer before just asking becomes manipulative?
semperfiona: (Default)
I'm terrified of going to Black Road this year. I'm afraid I'm going to be left out because things are still not settled between dj and I, and he and Liss seem to have made close friends with Matt and Liz but I hardly know them. Seeing Liss has always been one of the biggest reasons I go to the con in the first place.

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