(no subject)

[semperfiona]

mactavish stands up for the word cunt (and its original referent...)

And I'm torn between intellectually agreeing with her, and viscerally cringing at various memories. No one in my "real-world" life has ever used that word positively.

The question in fact throws me back into the bedroom of my college apartment, with my very first boyfriend Jim. He called me "my little cunt-dribble". He acted like he thought it was endearing and cute, but he probably got a kick out of the reaction it got from me. I thought it was disgusting and cruel, and nothing else he did was so guaranteed to upset me.

Damn. I can see the place. It's like I'm there now. Brown fake-wood paneling, brown contoured carpet, narrow twin bed, closet on the left of the bed, fish tank at its foot, small window above the head with pale yellow curtains.

An odd mix of emotions...I was very much attached to him, but he was cruel to me in many small ways. I remember him telling me more than once that I was getting fat (I doubt I weighed more than 160 at the time). He had pet-names that were derogatory. He was constantly borrowing money or letting me pay for things and never ever paid me back. And yet I was sure I was in love, I wanted nothing but him. Even after we broke up it took me two years to find peace and a new love.