semperfiona | More about Ray, less angry (Reply)

I spent a goodly portion of my morning pages on Ray this morning. He really is my crazymaker. He's never directly attacked my creativity, but he attacks the deepest parts of my soul with anger and shame and makes me defensive. Then he blames me for my reactions. I feel like a marionette, because everything I do when he is around is controlled by him pulling on my strings. I hate that about myself, and I have to resolve to keep away from him as much as possible, and when I am forced to be around him, to keep myself away from him. I need a wall. It's very hard, when I've been trying so hard to take down walls and interact more freely with people, to build one, but I have to. He cannot be allowed to tear me up the way he does. I am envisioning myself building a wall of heavy granite between myself and him. Stone by stone, protecting myself from his destructive efforts.
I'm not walling myself in, I'm walling him out. There is a difference.