(no subject)

[semperfiona]

I've been thinking about Marina today. I haven't seen her in several weeks, and the last time was only for half an hour or so. I gave her some of my no-longer-needed baby stuff for her new little girl, due...any minute? I don't even remember when the baby is due. Bad friend. No biscuit.

So since I'm thinking all this, I called her. Left a voice message inviting her to dinner on Wednesday.

Anyway, I'm kind of ambivalent. She was my best friend for a long time, and I love her to pieces, but for some reason, maybe because my friendship with her started about the same time as my relationship with Ray, I think I've been subconsciously avoiding her. I've never felt comfortable coming out to her, and she doesn't even know about Jen. Why is that? Well, at first I was keeping it a secret simply because, well, I was still married to Ray. Now...maybe it's just that I don't know how to go about saying "Oh, by the way, you don't know this but I've been dating a girl for the last three years," without her feeling like I've been hiding things from her (which of course I have been, though I'm not sure why). And I'm also not entirely sure how she would take it. She's not as conservative as she always let Ray believe, but she is also the only one of my friends of whom he approved. And that in itself makes an unpleasant association. Funny thing, that: I can remember him telling me she was a bad influence on me--I think because there were a couple occasions on which I went to her house, we drank too much for me to drive home, and I stayed overnight--but towards the end of our marriage he was saying she was the only one of my friends he liked. I had started to accumulate a collection of ever-weirder (by his standards) friends, and he didn't like any of them.

I don't really know how to get out of this morass of ambivalence I've fallen into about her. I guess making an effort to simply spend more time with her would help, though I know that with the new baby coming she won't have much free time. Sigh.

Comments

[indigobynight.livejournal.com]

Perhaps part of your ambivilence toward your relationship with her has also to do with feeling like you might not have many things in common anymore? What with the changes your life has undergone...perhaps you were feeling a loss in common ground between you. So, while the baby may take up a lot of her time, maybe it will also give you a "bridge" over the gap in your relationship.

I have a friend like this too, btw. I always think of her in terms of "before"...we were quite close (even took a vacation together), but "after" i sort of let our friendship fall away. I know a lot of it was that it was just so hard to feel like a true friend if i was keeping so much from her. Lately, tho, i have been trying to re-establish our friendship. We are taking a class together in the fall, in fact, and school has become the bridge. I *hope* to be able to be more open with her as our friendship progresses again. I loved her dearly and would so like to be able to just be myself around her--not this guarded version I had become.

R

[semperfiona]

Yes...as usual you're insightful.

Marina and I were so close that I named Rosa after her. "Rosa Marina." (Besides, I thought it sounded good and "Rose of the Sea" was such a cool meaning for a name, too.)

She called back, and we're tentatively planning to get together Wednesday, pending baby--which turns out to be due Friday. I knew it was coming soon!

[indigobynight.livejournal.com]

Oh I'm glad to hear that! :-) Coincidentally, my friend emailed me today and asked me to get together with her after they get back from vacation. I'm looking forward to it as well.

R