Something I've been pondering, on and off

[semperfiona]

I seem to start a lot of my entries with "well" or "so", as if I were diffidently trying to get someone's attention during a conversation. If I notice, I usually erase it and rewrite in order to sound more confident and because after all, this journal is for me, not my Loyal Readers (as much as I appreciate all of you). I think I often do the same thing in email.

This behavior seems to originate from my fear of making a nuisance of myself, of being intrusive where I'm not wanted, of barging into other people's conversations. I think some of it derives from my socialization as a girl-child, but I'm a recovering shy person too. I don't know which came first. I think my shyness comes also from a lot of vicious childhood teasing. I never fit in; finding places where I do fit in has been one of the wonders of my adult life.

I sometimes call myself a shy extrovert. It sounds contradictory, but what I mean is that while I find it difficult and something_scary to meet new people and do new things or to be in a crowd of strangers, contrariwise I get energized by spending time in company with people with whom I already have a connection. I enjoy time alone, and need it, but I also need people.

I have a theory that shyness/gregariousness and extroversion/introversion are actually orthogonal. There are shy extroverts, gregarious introverts (I think Ray was one of these: he became the class/group clown when in a large group, as a way of defending himself from the pressure of people), and so on.

These things have made me mostly a lurker for much of my online life, though recently I have made more effort to damn my imagined torpedoes and jump in with both feet. It has been successful, by and large, if difficult at times. Wombat in particular is a welcoming environment where I've found this easier. Usenet was always difficult for me; I suppose having my second- or third-ever post spawn a flamewar left me fearful of engaging there.

But why should this affect even my own journaling? People obviously want to read my writing, or they wouldn't be adding me as a friend. So why do I temporize?

Comments

[indigobynight.livejournal.com]

I often start my entries the same way, and have pondered (imagine that!) why I do it too..actually, in my case, I think it more like a continuation of a conversation, both with myself (which I often think of my journal as), and with those of my friends that read it. A kind of verbal/written pause, before i continue on in the conversation.

And i am TOTALLY a shy extrovert. What a great descriptor!

Personalities

[moominmuppet.livejournal.com]

On the flip side, I'm definitely a gregarious introvert - my family and I joke that I'm the most extroverted of a very introverted family. On all the personality tests I end up smack in the middle, but when I look at the underlying reasons and emotions behind things, they're very introvert-typical.

--Sarah