More about Ray, less angry

I spent a goodly portion of my morning pages on Ray this morning. He really is my crazymaker. He's never directly attacked my creativity, but he attacks the deepest parts of my soul with anger and shame and makes me defensive. Then he blames me for my reactions. I feel like a marionette, because everything I do when he is around is controlled by him pulling on my strings. I hate that about myself, and I have to resolve to keep away from him as much as possible, and when I am forced to be around him, to keep myself away from him. I need a wall. It's very hard, when I've been trying so hard to take down walls and interact more freely with people, to build one, but I have to. He cannot be allowed to tear me up the way he does. I am envisioning myself building a wall of heavy granite between myself and him. Stone by stone, protecting myself from his destructive efforts.
I'm not walling myself in, I'm walling him out. There is a difference.

Owwwwwwwwww!

So I was playing the "throw baby on the bed" game...And held onto her to bounce on the bed together. Except I didn't get out the way in time. And my chin smashed into the top of her head so hard that I feel the ache in my upper cheek. Rosa cried for a while but she seems okay now. I'm...wow. Ouch.

Fragile...

I don't know what to think. Jen's in a very bad mood, I know that. But instead of letting me love her, she tells me that I've never known her in the kind of bad mood she thinks she's heading for, and that she doesn't want to put me through dealing with her like that. All I can say to her is "I love you", and it doesn't help. I know what I mean, and I mean thick or thin, but she doesn't seem to accept that.
When it comes to the hard parts she pushes me away so she can suffer alone. That's not what I want. I want to be there for her, to be the one she calls on. And she doesn't let me.
I really ought to post this publicly, so she could read it if she wants to. But I'm afraid to. Afraid of making things worse. Afraid that while this might otherwise blow over after a few days or weeks, as things usually do, that this time it's permanent.

Update 1-8-02: I changed my mind and made this public, after the first three comments were posted. I did not edit or change any of the preceding, though my emotions have settled down a good deal since I wrote it originally. I'm trying to be more open about myself and my feelings, and this journal is a big part of that process. Jen, my love, if you do read this, I'm just writing my own feelings. I'm not subtly trying to ask you for anything. I trust you and I trust our relationship. I will be here.