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Someone reposted a link to a poly contract today, and I started thinking about my own history with contracts.
Back in 1998, after Ray and I had started having marital issues but were still trying to work them out through counseling, I wanted to attend Ambercon East in Boston (I wanted to meet![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
devilmuse IRL, as well as do some face-to-face Amber gaming).
He was paranoid that I was going with the intention of cheating on him, and would not accept any of my assurances. The counselor suggested a written contract, and while I felt it unnecessary--not to mention insulting--I went along with it. The contract I wrote up contained exactly one sentence. It said "I promise to honor and respect our marriage during my trip to Boston."
Meanwhile, he had written a long detailed list of all the things I was not allowed to do while away. It included everything from "I will not get a tattoo or piercing" to "I will not engage in [long list of behaviors starting with kissing and going on to sex] with anyone". (He may have specified names; I don't remember.) Anyone who knows me will guess what my reaction to that was: immediate seeking of loopholes and forgotten items. I do not do well with long lists of rules created by someone else to prescribe my behavior.
I can't remember, in the end, which contract got signed, but I think I did actually convince him to use mine. In either case I chose to live by mine: a much more far-reaching document.
What is of course lacking from both of them is any indication of what his responsibilities were. That "wasn't important" at the time, because I was the one who had expressed a desire to open our relationship, so I was the one who had to prove myself.
It's my belief that if you can't trust me without a piece of paper, you won't trust me with one either. This was borne out by the fact that Ray accused me in his annulment testimony of having cheated on him on that very weekend in Boston!
Back in 1998, after Ray and I had started having marital issues but were still trying to work them out through counseling, I wanted to attend Ambercon East in Boston (I wanted to meet
devilmuse IRL, as well as do some face-to-face Amber gaming). He was paranoid that I was going with the intention of cheating on him, and would not accept any of my assurances. The counselor suggested a written contract, and while I felt it unnecessary--not to mention insulting--I went along with it. The contract I wrote up contained exactly one sentence. It said "I promise to honor and respect our marriage during my trip to Boston."
Meanwhile, he had written a long detailed list of all the things I was not allowed to do while away. It included everything from "I will not get a tattoo or piercing" to "I will not engage in [long list of behaviors starting with kissing and going on to sex] with anyone". (He may have specified names; I don't remember.) Anyone who knows me will guess what my reaction to that was: immediate seeking of loopholes and forgotten items. I do not do well with long lists of rules created by someone else to prescribe my behavior.
I can't remember, in the end, which contract got signed, but I think I did actually convince him to use mine. In either case I chose to live by mine: a much more far-reaching document.
What is of course lacking from both of them is any indication of what his responsibilities were. That "wasn't important" at the time, because I was the one who had expressed a desire to open our relationship, so I was the one who had to prove myself.
It's my belief that if you can't trust me without a piece of paper, you won't trust me with one either. This was borne out by the fact that Ray accused me in his annulment testimony of having cheated on him on that very weekend in Boston!
