Contracts

[semperfiona]

Someone reposted a link to a poly contract today, and I started thinking about my own history with contracts.

Back in 1998, after Ray and I had started having marital issues but were still trying to work them out through counseling, I wanted to attend Ambercon East in Boston (I wanted to meet devilmuse IRL, as well as do some face-to-face Amber gaming).

He was paranoid that I was going with the intention of cheating on him, and would not accept any of my assurances. The counselor suggested a written contract, and while I felt it unnecessary--not to mention insulting--I went along with it. The contract I wrote up contained exactly one sentence. It said "I promise to honor and respect our marriage during my trip to Boston."

Meanwhile, he had written a long detailed list of all the things I was not allowed to do while away. It included everything from "I will not get a tattoo or piercing" to "I will not engage in [long list of behaviors starting with kissing and going on to sex] with anyone". (He may have specified names; I don't remember.) Anyone who knows me will guess what my reaction to that was: immediate seeking of loopholes and forgotten items. I do not do well with long lists of rules created by someone else to prescribe my behavior.

I can't remember, in the end, which contract got signed, but I think I did actually convince him to use mine. In either case I chose to live by mine: a much more far-reaching document.

What is of course lacking from both of them is any indication of what his responsibilities were. That "wasn't important" at the time, because I was the one who had expressed a desire to open our relationship, so I was the one who had to prove myself.

It's my belief that if you can't trust me without a piece of paper, you won't trust me with one either. This was borne out by the fact that Ray accused me in his annulment testimony of having cheated on him on that very weekend in Boston!

Comments

[beckyzoole.livejournal.com]

I think that the one benefit of a poly contract is that it makes people think things out ahead of time. Too often there are unstated assumptions that only one person holds. A good contract-negotiation session should bring those to the forefront.

Because, you're right, if it's simply a case of "I don't trust you unless you sign on the dotted line", then the relationship isn't worth it to begin with.

In your case, the issue it brought to the forefront was that Ray just plain didn't trust you, period. Sounds like he couldn't grok the concept of someone wanting to open their marriage and still having integrity.

I am sorry you had to go through that. I am glad you are with people now who appreciate you!

[queensheba.livejournal.com]

"I will not get a tattoo or piercing" is the part that really sticks in my craw. You weren't 15 and he wasn't your dad - he shouldn't have tried to dictate what you could do with your own body. Talk about insecure.

[amberite.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that made the giant BZZZZ go off in my head, too.

My partners sometimes express concerns about things I might do. Especially John, who wasn't used to several of the things I mentioned were parts of my self-expression sometimes -- he said (in the very early days of our relationship) that he was worried about me dressing too femmy and wearing makeup, because he doesn't like solid gender roles and most of the people he knows and trusts don't express that way.

My response? The next day I wore a short skirt, knee-high stockings, mary janes and some kind of stretchy top, and makeup -- not even the kind of oddball thing I usually do when I feel femme, but specifically a sort of preppy, chic secretary number. I talked and acted exactly the same all day.

Since that point, he's sometimes been puzzled by femme clothing ("what exactly is the appeal of the panties? You're just going to get out of them anyway") but never bothered by it; and I've known that however our relationship went, I could set my boundaries and he'd recognize them.

I'm actually willing to dress up the way people like me to, on a case-by-case basis. I'm very easygoing about temporary states of being. But when I got my tattoo this fall, I just said, "I'm going to--" not, "What do you think?" Things like that, permanent, on your own body: either you know you need them, in which case all opinions are superfluous, or you're not sure, in which case opinions should also be mostly superfluous except as a means by which to clarify intent in your own mind. :-)

[bbwoof.livejournal.com]

What is of course lacking from both of them is any indication of what his responsibilities were.

There is, implicit in the process of negotiation, a responsibility on the part of both parties to 1) uphold their end of whatever agreement is reached, and 2) accept that the other party intends to do the same.

His subsequent behavior demonstrates that Ray never intended to negotiate with you in good faith; that made the whole process no more than an exercise for enriching the counselor.