(no subject)

[semperfiona]

Very ambivalent about tomorrow. These are the times I particularly miss having a family because having family nearby means there is always a place for me on holidays, even if I wouldn't always go there nor do I get along with them all that well. Jen and Phaelen are my family now (besides Rosa a'course), but they do have blood family here and obligations that I am not really part of.

I don't have any plans, nor have I asked anyone if they have extra room at their table. I am kind of enjoying the idea of a day without obligations, yet I also wish someone would invite me to join them. (Yes, I know, but *in town*.) My reticence in asking for an invitation is lent additional power by the perennial feeling that says "No one wants me around anyway." Not to mention last year's last minute disinvitation. I'd rather not have plans than have my expectations dashed at the last moment.

And part of me keeps wanting to test my friends by seeing whether they'll think of me on their own without me telling them. Whether that's a hope of having my unwantedness feeling countered or passive aggression, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy likely to hurt no one but me. Hm. This post itself feels like a request for dinner invitations, which makes me feel uncomfortably like if one came it would only be due to my begging. Still and all, a day at home watching TV, playing with Rosa, and eating spaghetti or the like is very appealing.

But all that ambivalence notwithstanding, I'm feeling quite good this evening. Dinner with computerchix and indyansel was a lot of fun, even if I did forget that evenings at Joe's Crab Shack get very loud and stupid sometimes. We might have talked for hours if they hadn't needed to drive to Kansas City tonight.

And then on the way home I called Kirk. Finally reached him, after six or eight weeks of trying on and off. The growth was benign, and he's recovering well from the surgery. We talked for an hour about everything under the sun, and it felt like old times again. "Love you lots." I mentioned to him that Christine had told me to go out to bars to meet more people, and he said, "I go to the bagel shop." Now that sounded more like me. I might try going to Mokabe's once a month or so. After all this time we still know each other very well. The day-to-day facts might be missing, but the emotional connection is very much alive. It has survived a lot; with encouragement and communication it will again flower.

Resolutions:

• To call an old friend once a week
• To get out and make some new friends
• To call Mom & Dad and Kathy tomorrow.
• To make a written accounting of my blessings

Comments

[freddyferret.livejournal.com]

I really would have invited you, but if we do anything at all, it won't be in town. I enjoy conversations with you, you have a view of things that isn't a common thing. You've also had a lot of life experiences and travels that I find fascinating. I wasn't totally aware that you had no family in town or other plans.

But now it looks like we may be home alone for Fat Thursday. We have two sick little girls, how they feel in the morning will determine whether or not we travel. At this point, it's looking like a day in front of the TV. The only bad thing is, we have no real food in the house, planning to eat elsewhere tomorrow. So figuring out meal planning may be a challenge.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy your day. Just relax and do anything fun that comes to mind. Cherish the time at home with Rosa, and tune out the rest of the world for a few hours. Have a great Turkey Day.

[semperfiona]

Thanks. I think we'll have a fine day similar to yours; watch kiddie videos, play with toys...I'm thinking of making spaghetti for dinner.

[freddyferret.livejournal.com]

I hope you had a good one. Our girls were fine this morning so we spent the day out as planned.