(no subject)

[semperfiona]

Sunday morning, I went to pick up Rosa at her dad's house. She wanted to
wear a particular pair of shoes, but he didn't want to let her. I told
him it was okay if she wore them, it was only to the car, etc. He told
me not to contradict him in front of her.

Whatever, he does it to me all the time. In exactly the same situation,
even.

But what's interesting is Rosa's comments after we had left. She said,
"This seems familiar." I asked for clarification, and she started
talking about when Ray and I broke up. I told her she couldn't possibly
remember that, and she said, "My daddy told me. He said you [and he] had
a fight because you wanted to live with other people and he wanted to
only live with you."

I admit, I don't know whether that was his phrasing or hers. But that
statement manages to tell Rosa about something that's none of her
business, while oversimplifying it to the point that it ceases to be
true.

It's been bothering me for days. I can't see any appropriate way to
respond.

Comments

[bbwoof.livejournal.com]

When Rosa is with Ray, he will tell her what he wants her to know. Whether you might agree that its true or not.

This isn't necessarily right, or even fair, but it's a fact of human nature. What you need to do is to make sure that Rosa hears what YOU want her to know, and trust her to discern her own truth when your side of any given issue differs from Ray's.

Have you started teaching Rosa about critical thinking yet?

[ohari.livejournal.com]

You could let me Whack him with a big stick.
And then maybe Poke him, with a sharp stick.
Until he is attentive and understanding, and
then I could explain things to him very calm
ly and slowly until he understands me fully.
And perhaps, then and only then, would he be
a useful member of society and an acceptable
parent to (y)our daughter and not in any way
Naughty, in my sight, or an abomination onto
Nuggan, and then I could permit him to live.

I've really enjoyed formatting this paragraph

[ohari.livejournal.com]

It looked right in the post and preview windows.
all the lines were the same length. Hence the splitting of calm from ly.
but it got eaten in translation.

Otherwise I agree with Woof.

[beckyzoole.livejournal.com]

It's pretty normal for her to want to know why you guys don't live together, especially for a curious and bright kid like Rosa. In other words, it's possible that she instigated the conversation with Ray, and the explanation he came up with was off the cuff and not as well thought out as either of you would like.

(Giving him the benefit of the doubt helps reduce the amount of drama and bloodshed and pointy stick waving, so that's all good.)

I hated what my ex told my kids about why we broke up, but I couldn't control that. Where I made a mistake was in not having a simple, non-insulting story of my own. I either took the "it's none of their business" route and told them nothing, or else got into bitter descriptions of what a jerk their father was -- which bothered them because they love their jerk of a father, and so they ignored me. It's only now that they're adults that I'm realizing what a skewed view they have of their parents' relationship, and of me.

If I could have a do-over, I would get a non-emotionally-involved friend to help me construct some simple, non-insulting, truthful statements about why I left Rony, that I could tell the kids.

hee hee

[eghost.livejournal.com]

First you call us, then we throw him a shovel party in your honor. Seriously, sucks major, but then again, might make the later "living together" discussion a little easier since she has already given it some thought. Hugs from us.

What to tell the kids about grownup stuff ...

[the-geoffrey.livejournal.com]

Wow, I wish I had something -- anything -- to contribute. Unfortunately, I've been looking to you as go-to guys on stuff exactly like this.

FWIW, you have my empathy and any hugs you'd like. Plus, if a really *serious* discussion is to be had with the Ex, have Chirs call me. I don't want him working the shovel, the way his back is. ;-)

You do realize, right,

[leenoox.livejournal.com]

that some of the poly sites already have a bunch of this dialogue written for your reading pleasure? I don't have cites handy, but I know when I went looking, I found.