This morning's dream

I wanted to post this first thing when I got up but LJ was down. I tried to remember it all day but am left with only bits and pieces. It was another convention, in a hotel that was being remodeled around us: there were chips of wood everywhere, and gaping holes in the walls (from whence the chips had come). I was with Liss and another girl I've never seen before, a thin girl with long wavy brown hair. It might've been Jen if she continues losing weight. Anyway, she and I were together, kissing and caressing and stuff all the time. Then after a day or so I saw her and Liss snuggling on a couch. They told me they were going out somewhere together and I got pouty about being left out but Liss called me on it and I apologized, and everything was okay. When they got back we all snuggled together.

::sigh::

No Christmas with Jen, at least not on Christmas Day. Family obligations...That hurts. I want to be her family, or part of it anyway. But we're a secret, and it sucks.
It sucks all the time, but it particularly sucks on holidays, because it's a time that I really want to be with her, and I can't. I know she loves me, I have to believe that, but it's lonely and hard being alone when I want to be with her. I wish she would just tell them that she wanted me to be there, or better yet that she wanted to spend the time with just me, but she doesn't want to rock the boat. And I can't really push her, because I won't tell my family either. My family don't live here, though, and I am not going to visit any of them at Christmas. I can't really afford to. So I'm on my own.
I won't actually be alone on Christmas, I'll go spend it with Marina and have a good time, but I'll still be missing Jen. Marina's family are very welcoming and have always treated me like I belonged, as long as I've known her (10 years now...that's scary).